The 5 stages of grief

All the way from Limbo, here I ‘write’ again. It’s a relief to think that i don’t really have followers and readers… if so, I’d be far behind on my duty of entertaining them with my boring stories… Well, have been busy running some errands and couldn’t really sit and post till now. I consider myself relocated in my limbo experience… that doesn’t mean anything changed for the better, nor the worse. It just means something is different. I finally left my old house for good and won’t be back to “that reality” ever again, that fact in itself is really good… but that was just the beginning of limbo. There is a long long way to go. And as expected, I am anxious already. I am pretty sure that I’ll experience anxiety many times during this process of walking out of limbo, and that they are going to be hard and painful…

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about my experience and trying to see where in the Kubler-Ross theory I’m at. I came to the conclusion that I am not following a pattern, which – I’ve heard – it is per se one of the possibilities the theory lays. So, for those who don’t know anything about it, a brief overview comes below:

It is said that there are 5 universal  stages of mourning. That theory was first used in 1969 and it has been used ever since. The five stages can come in a sequence, but don’t necessarily have to follow a  determined sequence. They can also be overlaid one by another … also, they don’t all have to happen to one person, which means someone might not experience all the five stages. The five stages are: denial, angry, bargaining, depression and acceptance. They are usually put in that order, I might assume that that would be the most frequently seen sequence they occur… but that’s just my wondering…

Anyways, the order in which they occurred to me were slightly different, maybe oddly different.

As I recognize it, the first stage I went through was BARGAINING. I tried to compromise, tried to make deals, to be patient, to change, to adapt… to me at that point I could make things work no matter what. I felt powerful, and focused. I did believe I could get over any bad storm and look back to say, “I made it!!” There wasn’t anything I didn’t try. I did exhaust all the possibilities.

After that, huge DEPRESSION, I hadn’t have any before, and didn’t know how it felt like… I just couldn’t take it… when I finally realized that there wasn’t anything I could do, I gave up… and at that point, I didn’t really think about anything… I just wanted an easy way out… I didn’t really put any though in it, I wanted that situation to go away… and that’s how I ended up hurting myself and being taken to the hospital, against my will… that wasn’t the best experience I had… just the fact that  I didn’t have any control over my life, the fact that other people were trying to make decisions on my behalf, some were trying to make me believe that I had a bright life ahead and I shouldn’t be let down… all that just aggravated my situation, I felt so powerless and lonely… all I wanted was to be out of there and somewhere I could call home with someone I could count on… I was alone though. I was surrounded by strangers wishing that I would recover soon, while I regretted not succeeding in my attempt. Still in the hospital I started to accept it, but I was still too vulnerable…

Definitely ACCEPTANCE and depression coexisted then… I was really upset with everything, especially not being successful in my attempted suicide… what kind of loser can’t even kill themselves? Such an easy task!! (is it?), but still, I thought there was nothing else to be done and I had to get ready to move on. I finally got out of the hospital and not really sure of what I would do to go on with my life, I hadn’t decided on a specific plan yet.

Of a sudden, and I mean it, of a sudden things seemed to be working out… it’s like the cosmos was fixing it to me… with not really putting any effort on it, because I had already accepted I had been defeated and was decided to move on, but anyways, things just came to me, they just started happening… and I think that that is the tricky part of it… because at that point I just got sucked into the situation again, and I DID BELIEVE this time things would be better, they would be the way they were supposed to.

I think that that was my DENIAL period… I just couldn’t see the heavy clouds forming… Little by little I was made to believe that what I had been looking for had finally come to me. I couldn’t even want to see what was to come….

ANGER? every now and then I get angry… for being so gullible, for wanting it, for chasing it, for betting on it with no fear of losing it all… coz that is what i did…

Right now, I can say I am bouncing back and forth amongst waves of denial, anger and acceptance. But you know? it is soooo hard… I long so much for the day I’m gonna be over this all… the day I’m gonna look back and say that it was just a nightmare and it’s over and I can now see it with different eyes and take a lesson from it… Still part of me insists in believing that I will soon be rescued from this nightmare, that things are going to be ok again, and I will see it was just a silly nightmare and that there is nothing really to get over… and in between these two, so many times I catch myself  angry at the world, at my feelings, my failures, at my loved ones…

Could someone give me a pret-a-porter solution for this drama?


There’s a fine line between lunacy and genius!

Good afternoon!

This time I couldn’t help waking up late… I had an awful night.. I’ve got a sore throat, a stuffed nose, a backache… woke up several times at night… my bad!  sorry… but you know what? I told you in my first post that would happen… we have ups and downs… even though I’m living a down period of my life, I think that we can “subcategorize” the ups and downs, and for sure, last night and today classify as  a down in my limbo… I gotta cheer up, right? there isn’t much I can do about it… better days will come..

Aaaaaand today, as mentioned yesterday, I am sticking to nutrition as a topic (same source of previous post, different experimenters and discoveries), I’m gonna talk about two lunatic geniuses: J Goldberger and V. Herbert

In the beginnings of  the 19oo’s, an Epidemic of Pellagra in Southern US, drove Goldberger to research and eventually prove that one’s diet directly affected one’s health, and that Pellagra was a result of dietary deficiency, not an infectious disease…  In order to prove his point, he went as far as making Pellagra pills out of feces of his patients aaaand taking the pills… He made that experiment with some of his peers and even his wife, only to prove that Pellagra was not a germ disease… It took the guy 13 years and some more nasty experiments to convince the committee and his critics. I am not that much of a genius, neither would I swallow poop to prove my “geniusy”.. But I do understand from this lesson that it takes perseverance , faith, and strength to get where you want… and bad days will come.. but we gotta be ready for them and not give up on our plans.

Herbert, on his turn, proved that lack of folic acid leads to megaloblastic anemia… and of course he went extreme, he experimented on himself.  He went into a folic acid deficient diet. He’d take blood samples every week and a bone marrow expiration every other week (ouch!!)  Not only his system became depleted of folic acid, but he became forgetful, skinny, irritable and irascible, the household experimented chaos  and frustration…. occasionally he got paralysis –due to lack of potassium in his diet–,  did he quit his weird diet then??  Of course not… he simply added potassium to it and went on…   Eventually, after more than 4 1/2 months he got megaloblastic anemia. He was sooo certain of his findings that in about 48h he “replenished” his folic acid levels with supplements and fully recovered!!

I will try to remember those geniuses’ examples to keep pursuing my goals… no matter how hard it gets! I know better days will come!

Have a good one… more later.

Go essential fatty acids!

Good morning!

Yes, it’s still morning! I did wake up as early as 07:39 am. But couldn’t really get up till 10:00 am…. for an unexpected reason, I’d imagine. I’ll make it clear for my reader: as part of my “recovery” plan, I am now living in limbo for a couple days. Limbo can be extended to couple weeks and perhaps months… (we will see) but anyways, basically what happened was, I advertized my house so I could move out of where I’ve been living for a year and  a half now. I do need a fresh start.

The issue is I anounced publicly that I am gone already… and as far as people around here are concerned, I AM FAR FAR AWAY… So, what I was not counting on, was that one of the people interested in the house would be an acquaintance of mine, which not only wanted to see the house, my bedroom, and all, but also wanted to spend the night over, to “feel” the house or whatsoever…. As a result, I had to hide in a little attic, where my 5’05” can’t stand straight. oh yes, it’s really uncomfortable! I brought basic provisions such as water, some candles, and my computer–basic is relative, just like everything else in life…  Anyways, I coordinated with my roommates to show the house while I hid. Everything went well. And now I’m gonna share a little something that I learned this morning.

Nutrition is the topic, and I might stick to it for a couple days.

It’s claimed eating oily fish reduces the risk of blood clotting.  British physician and self-experimenter, Dr. Hugh Sinclair proved that by experimenting on himself the Inuit diet. Against common sense, Sinclair argued that the 1950s epidemic of heart desease was caused not by eating too much fat, but by eating too little.  He claimed that by eating the right type of fat, we would be able to turn our blood thinner, increasing our bleeding time. Indeed, his bleeding time went from normal 4min to 50 in only 3 months!! The guy could have died of hemorrhage if he had a paper cut!

I’ve been hearing from close friends that they are worried about my appearance. They say I look too tiny, unhealthy tiny… of course, I haven’t been talking about the reasons I’ve been putting down that weight… One can’t really tell the difference by scale numbers, but definitely by my looks… I don’t look as healthy and vigorous as a did couple of years ago. I’ve been thinking about it for a while now… I am not the kind of person who wants to live till my hundreds — I certainly hadn’t thought of dying on my 20s either (that failed attempt came really out of the blue) — but anyways, back to my life expectations: I’ve always,  AND I MEAN IT, since I was a little kid I’ve always been healtyhy…

I remember saying that I wanted to live  long enough so I could taste the good things of life… but that I wanted to die early enough so I wouldn’t have to taste the bitterness of aging…. where I took that “bitterness” from? I have noooo clue… It’s not like I’ve grown up around old sick peeps. oh! who can guess what’s in a child’s mind, right? All I know is that  those ideas were written in stone, and here am I, far from being that child, but still wanting to die early enough, I’d say around my 60s.

Well, that drew my attention to my eating habits, how much they have changed…. how uninterested in cooking I’ve been, latelly,  how careless of my health and well-being I have been, how little I’ve taken care of my skin, my posture, my sanctuary… That is something that might be worked on…. more later



my source (in case you want to deepen your knowledge): BBC’s Medical Mavericks with Michael Mosley

How it all started

Maybe the appropriate way of posting on your blog for the first time is explaining the reason why you decided to blog… So I hope, coz that’s what I’m doing right now…

I’ve heard that life happens to you “when you are busy making other plans”… I can then say that “life” happened to me… and it got to a point where I’d either jump off a cliff or start everything over.

Guess what? I decided to jump off the cliff. Things didn’t really work the way I planned, and I was left with the only option of starting over, which became a much more challenging and painful option after my jump-off-the-cliff failure.

Couple months are gone since then, and as part of my recovery process, I decided to blog, not about that traumatic experience, nor about what caused it — sorry to disappoint!

I decided to blog about what is to come. Let me make it clear, not about what I think should come, or like good old Jean Paul Sartre would put it,” mon projet de la vie”, but about what I am again gonna be busy with… . I am not going to talk about my dreams and aspirations, no! That would make my blog even more ‘unreadable’ and unbearable… Instead, I am going to set a timeline for myself to reach certain goals, and what you will be reading about is the means I will use to get there, not exactly the means, but what will come out of those means… kind of a by-product of a by-product.

Soooo, the first step of getting out of the edge of the cliff, is getting back to some of my favorite habits: waking up early. And I will force myself to do so with the commitment of writing on my blog every morning.

Oh my dearest bitter reader, you can totally throw in my face each and every time that I fail to do that… It is part of the process… and I’m not thinking I’m going to succeed always… But I will, someday breath in the dawn’s breeze… wait and see!

I’m afraid my first post will be a lot more dramatic and interesting than the following ones, well if I do get followers and readers that might be interested in my drama (and believe me, i can make it soooo dramatic), we may talk about it later on.. however, right now I’d rather focus on the boring recovery!

have a good night and talk to you tomorrow!