The 5 stages of grief

All the way from Limbo, here I ‘write’ again. It’s a relief to think that i don’t really have followers and readers… if so, I’d be far behind on my duty of entertaining them with my boring stories… Well, have been busy running some errands and couldn’t really sit and post till now. I consider myself relocated in my limbo experience… that doesn’t mean anything changed for the better, nor the worse. It just means something is different. I finally left my old house for good and won’t be back to “that reality” ever again, that fact in itself is really good… but that was just the beginning of limbo. There is a long long way to go. And as expected, I am anxious already. I am pretty sure that I’ll experience anxiety many times during this process of walking out of limbo, and that they are going to be hard and painful…

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about my experience and trying to see where in the Kubler-Ross theory I’m at. I came to the conclusion that I am not following a pattern, which – I’ve heard – it is per se one of the possibilities the theory lays. So, for those who don’t know anything about it, a brief overview comes below:

It is said that there are 5 universal  stages of mourning. That theory was first used in 1969 and it has been used ever since. The five stages can come in a sequence, but don’t necessarily have to follow a  determined sequence. They can also be overlaid one by another … also, they don’t all have to happen to one person, which means someone might not experience all the five stages. The five stages are: denial, angry, bargaining, depression and acceptance. They are usually put in that order, I might assume that that would be the most frequently seen sequence they occur… but that’s just my wondering…

Anyways, the order in which they occurred to me were slightly different, maybe oddly different.

As I recognize it, the first stage I went through was BARGAINING. I tried to compromise, tried to make deals, to be patient, to change, to adapt… to me at that point I could make things work no matter what. I felt powerful, and focused. I did believe I could get over any bad storm and look back to say, “I made it!!” There wasn’t anything I didn’t try. I did exhaust all the possibilities.

After that, huge DEPRESSION, I hadn’t have any before, and didn’t know how it felt like… I just couldn’t take it… when I finally realized that there wasn’t anything I could do, I gave up… and at that point, I didn’t really think about anything… I just wanted an easy way out… I didn’t really put any though in it, I wanted that situation to go away… and that’s how I ended up hurting myself and being taken to the hospital, against my will… that wasn’t the best experience I had… just the fact that  I didn’t have any control over my life, the fact that other people were trying to make decisions on my behalf, some were trying to make me believe that I had a bright life ahead and I shouldn’t be let down… all that just aggravated my situation, I felt so powerless and lonely… all I wanted was to be out of there and somewhere I could call home with someone I could count on… I was alone though. I was surrounded by strangers wishing that I would recover soon, while I regretted not succeeding in my attempt. Still in the hospital I started to accept it, but I was still too vulnerable…

Definitely ACCEPTANCE and depression coexisted then… I was really upset with everything, especially not being successful in my attempted suicide… what kind of loser can’t even kill themselves? Such an easy task!! (is it?), but still, I thought there was nothing else to be done and I had to get ready to move on. I finally got out of the hospital and not really sure of what I would do to go on with my life, I hadn’t decided on a specific plan yet.

Of a sudden, and I mean it, of a sudden things seemed to be working out… it’s like the cosmos was fixing it to me… with not really putting any effort on it, because I had already accepted I had been defeated and was decided to move on, but anyways, things just came to me, they just started happening… and I think that that is the tricky part of it… because at that point I just got sucked into the situation again, and I DID BELIEVE this time things would be better, they would be the way they were supposed to.

I think that that was my DENIAL period… I just couldn’t see the heavy clouds forming… Little by little I was made to believe that what I had been looking for had finally come to me. I couldn’t even want to see what was to come….

ANGER? every now and then I get angry… for being so gullible, for wanting it, for chasing it, for betting on it with no fear of losing it all… coz that is what i did…

Right now, I can say I am bouncing back and forth amongst waves of denial, anger and acceptance. But you know? it is soooo hard… I long so much for the day I’m gonna be over this all… the day I’m gonna look back and say that it was just a nightmare and it’s over and I can now see it with different eyes and take a lesson from it… Still part of me insists in believing that I will soon be rescued from this nightmare, that things are going to be ok again, and I will see it was just a silly nightmare and that there is nothing really to get over… and in between these two, so many times I catch myself  angry at the world, at my feelings, my failures, at my loved ones…

Could someone give me a pret-a-porter solution for this drama?

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2 thoughts on “The 5 stages of grief

  1. jv says:

    For me the acceptance part it´s the hardest. I dont know if it´s because of my upbriging or any other reason, i ve been raised to look at relatioships like a WAR! And to fail in a relationship it´s like to “lose” this WAR. I ve never achieved acceptance alone, everytime i reached to this point i had to use some kind of subterfuge..

    • Do you mean acceptance is the hardest to get to or the hardest to deal with? If you’re referring to it as hardest to get to, I’m quite different than you… I’d say acceptance hit me easily, the problem is that I was easily manipulated into the issue again once I thought it could finally be fixed. If you are saying it is the hardest to deal with, we still diverge in opinion, to me the hardest to deal with is DENIAL, it’s like Nietzsche wrote: “Hope is the worst of evils for it prolongs the torment of men”

      BTW, who told you I was talking about a relationship anyways… the theory’s first application was to dying patients, then it extended to their families, then to any kind of loss, and finally to any kind of failure… but with that clarified, let’s talk about your view on relationships…

      I understand that you look at relationships at the same perspective you’d look at wars, right? but tell me, if a failed relationship is a lost war, a successful relationship would be an endless war?

      let’s keep talking, cheers!

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